I was just with a good friend, Ryan Sturgis, a mighty good man (he brought me a fall pumpkin beer!) in my fair opinion, at a mighty good breakfast restaurant called the Breakfast Klub in Menifee, CA. As our conversation rounded many angles and as we described my weight loss over the past three years and his college career and desire to do speech therapy, we came to a close and when the server brought out the check, had the normal discussion about who would pay for the meal in some heated (not really heated) terms. And then he said this: “whenever someone tries to do something nice for me, I am learning not to reject it. It is a way for them to love me.” Which he then followed up by saying that he would let me pay (ha!). But the truth of his statement rang true for me.
When someone tries to offer kindness, we are the better for accepting it, even if it is something as simple as paying for a meal or offering to help with dishes. Why? This is what has stuck with me since that morning and insight with Ryan. Because when someone offers to do something nice or offer a kindness to us, it is a visible means of extending their love to us. It is a way of offering love. It is a way of telling us they love and care for us. In other words, it is a love language that allows them to find meaning and feel meaningful. This is a critical way to grow a community. People need to learn to love, to practice loving each other and feeling welcomed and a part of the community.
Thus, we are the better for accepting it, because it is a practice for us to be loved and allowing them to love. Taking the opportunity away from an elderly man to buy my lunch after church acts as declining his love and allowing him to love others less. This is one of my issues. I love to be independent and love to feel like I have enough to do things for others. But I have a really hard time allowing others to offer kindness to me. I live with an elderly man who for a whole year insisted on buying the meal every time we ever went out. He insisted on buying every tank of gas when he was ever in the car, even if none of the gas went towards something he did- in fact, he would pull out his card from his shirt pocket and not even say a word as though I was supposed to use his card at the gas station. His family understood this and his grandson actually shared that with me shortly after I moved in. But I was still not good throughout the year of accepting his kindness. At times, I felt like the kindness was obligatory and at other times, I felt it belittling. But as I reflect on that experience, the reason it felt obligatory and/or belittling was because I didn’t want to be loved- I wanted to do all the loving. I don’t like being the object of love because that makes it seem like I am need and don’t have. In essence, I didn’t want to be loved because I didn’t want a perception or to feel poor and needy, which was a very poor excuse because the focus was on me and stayed on me and my avoidance of reality. And it also showed a bias against the label of poor and needy, which is another issue altogether. But the point is, I didn’t often accept the love. My parents always had trouble with it too and avoid someone else ever paying for dinner or making dinner for them and my dad with well good intentions often rejects help in the kitchen after a meal. They often reject love too. Many of the people I know have trouble with it.
I must do better at it because as human beings, we must practice being loved. We have to practice accepting love in all its forms- gifts, words, actions, arts, relationships and surprises. How can we ever develop deep and hearty friendships if we aren’t practicing being loved? How can we ever learn to trust in others when life gets chaotic, confusing, painful and full of loss if we don’t practice being loved with the small things? When our lives fall apart, how can we turn to others if we don’t practice being loved? How can we even begin to call ourselves church if we don’t practice being loved? But their is a very important layer to this I haven’t touched on.
The reason we practice being loved is because God has given us a truly good gift that requires receiving too. God has given us numerous gifts for that matter- he has given us creation to watch and observe and admire, he has given us males and females to appreciate beauty, he has given us food and drinks that are amazingly tasty and good, he has given us different cultures and people that make us look beyond ourselves, he has given us good family (some of us) , he has given us shelters (some of us), and he has given us friendships. He also gave us a chance at a superlative relationship with him, full of peace and joy and justice and compassion that is with us every day and at every moment, even in crisis. He gave us his son who became one of us and lived beautifully so we can follow. He gave us forgiveness, sacrifice, freedom from sin, reconciliation, peace- all through the love of his Son. That requires faith, and it requires us to receive it. It is all love that needs us to receive and be grateful. Thus, we practice being loved in all the small things in life- we discipline ourselves to both give AND receive love because the greatest love we know if something we receive, and that doesn’t come easy. Grace and love are not easy to receive, especially considering how hard it is just to receive a free meal from a friend or an old man.
Thank you Ryan.
Ordinary Treasures 